Looking Back...Facing Forward

I feel really blessed... but more than that is the fact that this intangible 'feeling' flows from a profound knowledge that I am indeed blessed in so many ways. I 'feel' so alive and I am happy to be. The sort of happiness one experiences which is born out of hope and expectation that though things are not 'perfect', they indeed are perfect in the here and now. For the perfection of the now with the vision of a continuum is all that there is. I came home tonight after spending a wonderful day, full of one serendipitous moment after another and as I turned off the engine and my headlights and the music ceased, in the quietness and the relative darkness, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I sat there, house keys in hand just repeating the words 'thank You' over and over again. I felt a sense of violent gratitude that had to erupt... it was not calm and peaceful... it was an avalanche... 'Thank You! thank You!, THANK YOU! Rolling over and overtaking each other "THANK YOU".

Thank you for this life which is so different from the one I had last year, and the year before that and the year before that... Despair, fed by the darkness of what appeared to be an impenetrable and ever present storm cloud now seems so far removed from my current reality... not much has changed in the material, tangible sphere... but on the mental and 'spiritual', its subtle yet palpable, for once again, I see beyond, I hope, I expect... I seek, I am open to receive. And I laugh with and at life, I really laugh, for when I consider that 'all is mud' and shall return to mud, really, what on the face of the Creator's green earth, pray tell, can there be to be so serious about? Time is fleeting. It hastens on like a freight train, oblivious to the fact that we are onboard for the ride. Time has no respect, no partiality for humanity, as with the seasons, like tress we germinate, we bloom, we fade, and we die. I am realising that there is no time in-between to embrace the drama. None. Respect for time, partiality towards purpose is left to us.

So I smile and acknowledge the grace and favour and the unconditional love that lifted me when I had no strength to stand on my own. I think of how grateful I am to be no longer locked in silence and solitude. One of my friends told me today how happy he was to have me back to the 'me' he knew and I could tell he really was... but I do not think his happiness to have me back can match the absolute elation I feel to be on my way back to me... for I am not there yet, but boy oh boy, I am enjoying the journey. A journey with a multitude of pit stops, to refuel and take an inventory of what is needed to get ready to continue on the road less travelled... a journey which I am no longer contemplating but one which I have embarked upon, for as surely as time is not my own, in that I don't have a monopoly on even that which was granted to me as a gift by the hand of Divinity.... I have said to myself "if not 2010, when?". So I am seizing the day and living like it matters, simply because it does. Loads of ideas and inspiration regarding how to do it... thoughts still taking shape, being moulded to accommodate a new vision of shifting and fluid, predictably unpredictable reality... but so excited to embrace and play an active role in shaping said reality. No longer living by default but by design... breathing in the breath of life, I now whisper, with the internal volume on max, "THANK YOU, THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH".

17. 04. 10

Emancipation.. yes, Freedom... no?

It’s the anniversary of emancipation today and I would love to say 'Happy emancipation' but given the current state of things in islands such as Trinidad and Tobago and Jamaica (and elsewhere), it seems like we have forgotten the struggles of those who went before us.... how can we celebrate a freedom that was obtained at such an enormous cost and for which so many lives were lost while we still hold each other hostage? While we still possess the colonial mentality of 'lighter skin colour is prettier’, ‘the lighter the eyes and the softer/longer the hair the better’... don't we still say 'yes massa'?

I find it hard to celebrate when I see these black youths placing little emphasis on education but instead taking up the gun…killing each other. How can I celebrate when it seems as though we have taken so many steps back and we seem so comfortable to live in the proverbial gutter? It seems all folly to me when I visit the place of my birth, a place I consider ‘home’ and I feel as though I am under duress, can’t leave the house after certain time at night without evoking a high level of stress. I am unable to visit certain neighborhoods where my friends and I frequented as teenagers because they are no longer safe. Unfortunately this can now be said of the village where I grew up. Come on, where is the freedom in that? As males my brothers and cousins have to be vigilant that they do not go into the 'wrong area/wrong street'? Where is the freedom in that? Why is my heart alarmed every time the phone rings and I see and code 868?

Where is the freedom when those jokers who hold the reins of political power don’t give a damn about the masses and one only sees them during their election campaigns as they bump their gums and make empty promises? Where is the freedom when votes are petitioned and given according to race? It’s really beyond belief when man, woman and child depend on CEPEP relief?

Killings on the taxi stand? Killings all over this tiny Island…. Where is the freedom in that?
Corrupted Police Officers willing to take a bribe and turn a blind eye?
Those who are in the ‘Service’ only to protect and serve themselves brutalize and disrespect civilians…
Where is the freedom in that?

Where is the freedom when our children are being abused and their inherent futures being refused….
When they are being neglected and spoiled… being offered material possessions to compensate for the emotional and sometimes physical absence of their parents and guardians?
Not being taught the value of deferred gratification, then we wonder why they believe that they do not have to work for the things they need/want and can just come up in your face and say
‘oyi you’!
“Gimme yuh wallet, yuh keys, yuh phone and hey while yuh at it, give me your f*#%ing shoe you!!!”
And if you hesitate, ‘boyaca’ bullet in yuh head, because in their world human life has no value, at least not as much value as worn and lived in shoe

Ok, so we may no longer be chattels in the slave trade, but what about the drug trade, why do we close our eyes to the sex trade? Why all the kidnappings?
Where on earth is Leah Lammy? Why is that angel still missing? Why was it possible for her to be taken?

Freedom?
Emancipation?
Are you bloody kidding me???!!!!

Yes, so some may say we started off at a disadvantage when we lost our names, our identities and our religion…
But is that something that should forever curse us?
I do not deny that there will always be the residual effects, after all some may say that one hundred and seventy-five years isn’t that long in the scheme of things and one can’t simple forget it… that’s true too
But is it not time to shape a new history for those that will come after…. For the younger ones already here?
Personally, I know that I want my nieces and nephews to have good memories and a legacy worth being proud of and I long for the day when I can say ‘Sweet T & T’ this is my country, where every creed and race has found an equal place…
A place of beauty, a place of peace
A place where all that is ugly would cease
A place where we can celebrate being truly free
A place where we can appreciate the cost and the price paid for that freedom
And all that it was meant to bring… all that it can still bring
A place where from our own whip we will not feel the sting
Where we can really be a free nation
And mean it when we say “happy emancipation!!!!

Mud Madness

Their foundation is in the dust
These dwellers in houses of clay
They don't admit it, but they know it...
Make no mistake
Ain't nothing durable bout these misfits
So they sculpt,
They build,
They write,
They destroy
They procreate
They kill
They make music
All seeking to be famous,
Or shokingly notorious
These psuedo story tellers
Deceived philosophers...
Imitators...
Doing all that they can to etch themslves in history
To be fresh bloosoms in a bouquet of 'forget me nots'
But society has limited capacity to retain in its annals, all legacies
And a generation once, twice, maybe three times removed
Has little memory of him who came from dust and to thence returns

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen...

An escape was made.
Sanity remained in tact.
Why or why, would I choose to now compromise that?
Why sell out?
Why this 360 degree turn about?
This pit is deep and dark,
And needing to be filled, like a vortex its pulling me in
I am stiffling,
Can't catch my breath
Sinking in quicksand
Becoming one with the mire
NO!
NO!
NO!
Like a dog returning to his vomit I shall not be!
This is not me
Or is it?
I seem alien, never having been 'realer'
Whatever the answer,
all I know at this point is that I am in need to a healer
And its not you
Loving you is bad medicine, eroding my soul
Exposing my emotions to the elements of harsh and cruel reality
Recanting all that I have said,
Am I sacrificing my integrity?
Just to have some fleeting attention from thee
NO!
NO!
NO!
This cannot be
While there is possibility,
Let me salvage me
And bow out of your life in my current capacity
Pick up what's left of the shreds of my dignity
Accepting that true friends or dedicated lovers, now we cannot be
Since my dearest, I want to be more than just your fantasy
For you see,
You always will be so much more than that to me.

Hey, I'm at the door....

You were there for me in my moment of loneliness
Though I said I’d rather be alone,
Deep inside I wished you’d still come by
Although I never spoke a word, you knew...
And once again proved yourself faithful and true
You did not ask me to unload my burdens
But by giving your presence, your time and energy
In an instant you relieved some of the weight that deadened my soul
I thank you for your kindness, consistency and stability
I appreciate the fact that you are there for me
and will patiently accompany me on this journey of rediscovery

20/20

When I see you,
I see kindness, sensitivity and generosity
When I see you, I see the person I know was meant to complete me
When I see you I see that you can be put to the test
And still retain my respect
When I see you, I see someone who can challenge me
Without a hint of cruelty
When I see you,
I see....
I see that you see my intrinsic value and my worth
Even though when you view my idiosyncrasies
You see me as if through a microscope,
Your vision is telescopic, for you share with me your view of all my possibilities...
I see more clearly now that I see you looking at me...

That Song

That song, makes me think of you
That song, causes my heart to break in two
That song, I love it cause it reminds me of you
That song, I hate it because to it you were true
That song, I can’t get enough of it,
That song, I wish I never heard it
That song, won’t you come and sing it to me
That song, lets dance to it slowly
That song, with the words won’t you disagree?
That song, won’t you declare that by my side you’ll never leave?
That song did not tell you that to you I would truly, madly deeply cleave
That song, won’t let me be…
Cause from memories of you that song won’t set me free