Hey, I'm at the door....

You were there for me in my moment of loneliness
Though I said I’d rather be alone,
Deep inside I wished you’d still come by
Although I never spoke a word, you knew...
And once again proved yourself faithful and true
You did not ask me to unload my burdens
But by giving your presence, your time and energy
In an instant you relieved some of the weight that deadened my soul
I thank you for your kindness, consistency and stability
I appreciate the fact that you are there for me
and will patiently accompany me on this journey of rediscovery

20/20

When I see you,
I see kindness, sensitivity and generosity
When I see you, I see the person I know was meant to complete me
When I see you I see that you can be put to the test
And still retain my respect
When I see you, I see someone who can challenge me
Without a hint of cruelty
When I see you,
I see....
I see that you see my intrinsic value and my worth
Even though when you view my idiosyncrasies
You see me as if through a microscope,
Your vision is telescopic, for you share with me your view of all my possibilities...
I see more clearly now that I see you looking at me...

That Song

That song, makes me think of you
That song, causes my heart to break in two
That song, I love it cause it reminds me of you
That song, I hate it because to it you were true
That song, I can’t get enough of it,
That song, I wish I never heard it
That song, won’t you come and sing it to me
That song, lets dance to it slowly
That song, with the words won’t you disagree?
That song, won’t you declare that by my side you’ll never leave?
That song did not tell you that to you I would truly, madly deeply cleave
That song, won’t let me be…
Cause from memories of you that song won’t set me free

Prodigal

·  

Would you know my voice if I call your name?
Been so long since we conversed
I wonder, would our exchanges be the same?
Would you discern the sound of my footsteps as I make my way back to you?
Those footsteps, never hesitant or resistant
Always weary, timid, afraid…
Afraid… that I’d slip and fall before I get back to you… again
Afraid… that before I could get comfortable with ‘us’
I’ll take up my stuff
Beating a hasty retreat
Back to where I don’t want to be
But to where I inevitably return
Sometimes unwittingly…
Sometimes unconsciously…
When I return,
Do you ever hold out hope
That I’ve returned to stay?
Or do you resign yourself to the game?
Is it my fate
That my own inertia would one day cause you to ‘player-hate’
But in the interim…
If I hold out my arms to you
Would you embrace me? Would you speak to me gently?
And soothe me completely?
Would you allow me to listen to the rhythm of your heart?
Would you mind if I put my finger on your pulse?
So I can know what is pleasing to you
So that I could learn to please you

And with little more than faint hope
I’d stay with you long enough
For you to know my voice when I call your name
Long enough to dispel my fear of leaving you again
Long enough for there to be no shame in my game
Long enough so we’d never be the same
Tell me,
Would you?

who are you?

Everyone is obliged to display whatever they think is fit for public consumption
Everyone has a side to be seen and a side to be veiled
This decision depends on the people with whom they associate at whatever point in time
What can they handle …what they can’t
What do they require?
What do they desire?
What do they petition?
What do they indulge?
Is it legal to express?
Is it politically or socially correct?
Is their ability to be heard dependent on their social and financial standing?
Or on their religious persuasion?
Is it bound by race, ethics or prejudice?
Does it have anything to do with a sense, albeit, a perceived sense of justice?
When one speaks… what is heard?
How is it interpreted?
Why is it interpreted?
Why is its interpretation interrupted?
What’s with the compulsion to dissect and decipher?
Is it because everyone has the presence of mind to succor some measure of paranoia?
Knowing that the apparent is not as it appears…
No one really knows the answers,
No one really knows the reasons,
Is there anyone who really cares?
Is there anyone willing to run the risk?
The world is one big stage where actors and actresses bid to perfect their art of survival…
They all take a chance…
Hoping that as they are masked and costumed…
The curtains do not go up unexpectedly or the cameras do not roll before they are ready for action and their attempt to be in control…
To be believed,
Their attempt to earn their keep is seen for what it really is…
A farce, a charade…
And each, a chameleon, dictated to and scripted by time, place, situation, station and relations

 

Slip, sliding away as the world turns

Another young life brought to a full stop by cancer.... 28 and dead...mother of two young children and dead... what is there to say except that I really feel it for my friend and his family- to lose your youngest sibling is ineffable. For a parent to lose a child is unnatural, goes against all nature, to lose a mother without having the chance to get to know her and to be known by her- simply unthinkable....

But life goes on...
The world does not stop for anyone to get off
Time passes
Seasons change
The world turns...
Life is lived
Not with the old picture of how it was
Or with the image of how it should have been but with the reality of how it is-
a new piece on the wall entitled "LIFE MINUS ONE"....
Changing the configuration of portraits still to be taken...
Embracing the pain, being filled by the loss,
Allowing grief to do its job,
To be an emblem of the fact you loved, even with the knowledge that you will lose, you loved
Holding on dearer to those who remain, cherishing them and remembering,
Always remembering the rare and fleeting gift of the lives of those who were
Being ever conscious of the fact that "death does not invalidate life"
Deciding to live a life worthy of their memory, their gift, their legacy....

Deep sea diving surface dweller

Dark waters as deep as my soul
It may be penetrated but it remains inscrutable
Untold
Life lurks beneath its depths
But that life is void
It sustains but does not satisfy
It revives but has lost its capacity to give
It shares but does not disclose
Its fluid but fused with boundaries….
Invisible boundaries….
Sometimes broken boundaries….
Confusing me
Defining me?
Maybe, just maybe refining me

oPtIcAl IlLuSiOnS

Thoughts of you still intrude and invade consciousness,
A phantom that's no longer there
Sometimes summoned for salvation,
Sometimes surrendered to like a sinner
Like waves that take me higher...
Tumbling, rolling, somersaulting
No longer exhilarated,
Exploring no more
Crashing on reality's rocks
And dissolving time's sands
A phantom that's no longer there.

Conversation of Possibility

Conversation of possibility
Interrupted by shots of reality
Like fire crackers they rang out
An instant…
Just give me an instant to realize
That another soul may have left its host
A few moments…
Just give me a few moments
To look around at my family
My thoughts scrambled
As I follow my father and brother and others
Racing to the scene
As fast as my legs and heart could take me
My father and my brother reaching there before me
The latter trying to protect my sensibilities
Says to me ‘don’t look, you don’t want to see’
No I did not.
I wished not.
But I just had to see…
Had to see…
Had to see…
What I wished was not there to be seen
As I see him lying there
The blood leaving his body ever so slowly
With no place to go, it settles at his head
I see him lying there
Like a slain animal
But the distinction of his 'human-ness' was in the position in which he lay
Fetal….
Like a baby in a womb
Oh if only he could have returned
Would the choices he made have been different?
Would nature or nurture have had its way?
Which would have had more sway?
But he’s gone…
Gone…
Gone…
No use asking the unanswerable
But what about the hope for his offspring?
How would the events of yesterday count?
Would it be an impetus to get out of the mire?
Or would it give permission to sink further?
Years from today, where would those babies be tomorrow…

Wu Wei

Time, you great healer tending to all wounds,
Marching to the beat of your silent tick-tock drum,
Conducting the entire orchestra, from a position superior
Do choose your form, decide you manifestation.
I surrender.
You shall have no more resistance from me.

The Truth as I know it

Hey little brother,
What's the matter?
Why speak in such word, such tones?
Within me my spirit moans
For and at anything which causes you sadness
Or creates a sense of madness
There comes a time when you can no longer go through the motions pretending everything is fine
I can't read your mind
So please draw back the curtains
Let me into your world
Don't want you feel alone and cold
But I cannot tell a lie,
As your heart and soul have already spied
On this journey
Sometimes, its rough, At other times its tough
But when you feel like you've had enough
Remember, you were made to bare it
Because the pressure can't last forever
It will, it must get better
You will have the highs,You will have the lows
All coming together to cause you to grow
And glow
So as you do...
Take wisdom, knowledge and understanding with you
Neglect not discernment and discretion
Live the life you know to be right
But it must be yours,
For I've learnt, you can't live for anyone else without regret
Don't fret.......When you are on the hill top, give thanks
When you are in the valley, shout thanks, it will echo and come back to you...
Causing your sprits to soar when you least expect it
And when you are beneath the surface
(For there will be those days, like I said I can't tell you a lie)
You will find the strength to exceed you limits
Like those from whose loins you've descended
That same strength you will leave as  a legacy for your son and those to come
So trust that with Devine guidance you will make it through
And always know I am here for you
Whatever, whenever, through any kind of weather
I love you now, I'll love you ever!

Muse

You challenged me when I thought I couldn’t
You encouraged me when I simply wouldn’t
You said give it a try
And for a time I didn’t
Then at last to resist your inspiration,
I realised that I shouldn’t
And so I wrote,
I wrote of life
And all that’s its worth…
All that’s bound up in its embrace…
Time, love, lost, desire (both earthly and heavenly)
Creating an intimate union between the unspoken words of my mind and with
Pen and paper creating a reality
So often I’ve found solace and security in this relationship of mutuality
When to speak to another was ill advised
When to express there was no warm eyes
When to confess I could have landed myself in an emotional mess
Those were the times at which I wrote
Now I write to assure you that your coaxing was not in vain
And to bless the creator
That this gift I did not disdain
Thank you for seeing in me an ability that I did not discern
An element of creativity I can call my own
And maybe some day share it with the world
I’ll always remember that day in 1995
You gave me something for which to strive
You took the time to write the very first poem knowingly dedicated to me
Now its my turn to pray for thee
That the Almighty’s blessing for health, long life and prosperity,
Both temporally and eternally
Would be yours continually
Though we are now continents apart
Pleasant thoughts of you will always warm my heart
Admittedly, sometimes for the country, the serenity of that sunny island sanctuary
I sometimes long
And wish that from it I was never drawn
But I’ll always be grateful that that was the place where I first saw the dawn

 

ContainedWithinByVirtueOf

Warm summer's love is gone
Autumn's heartbreak is here with all it vivaciousness and vivid hues
Willing itself to live with no hope of life
Knocked down and forced into decay by winds which heralds desolate winter
Bare, cloakless, bitter winter
But believing in the perfect blossoms of the spring,
It lays dormant until new life begins....

Oh the wonder of it all

I've always believed in loving as deeply as I can, actually not so much a belief as it being part of who I am without a concept that it could or should be different. But, presently, I'm thinking that I may have to errect a barrier against such unbridled emotions. Experience and much deliberation has led me to the conclusion that hurt,disappointment and loss, trumps all the strawberry cheesecake emotions of love, expectation and hope or rather a desire of forever.
It just never happens. Loving is making a martyr of ur heart, its knowing that one day you will be placing ur heart on a stake and on that fateful day it WILL be sacrificed.
I've felt the euphoria of romantic love,the comfort and assurance of filial love, the privilEge of the platonic love of friends, the unconditional and unmerited love of my parents and siblings, the mutual adoration for the innocent hearts of nieces and nephews, and even meeting or hearing of someone who immediately awakens an awareness of the possibility of love... But I've discovered that nothing prepares you for the loss in whatever form it takes. And more so when that loss, that parting of paths forever comes in the permanent form of death. There is no comparison to it... no prepAration for it. Never has a truth been more accurately uttered as "it is what it is, and cannot be otherwise".
Love is sweet, gentle and elevating. It caresses the heart and soul and awakens an awareness of beauty in the most mundane and love knows no drudgery. Love is like cherryblossoms- beautiful beyond expression, awakening all your senses but gentle and oh so fragile. But loss, loss is like a force of nature, a tornado, or any other natural disaster for that matter, that uproots,destabilizes, leaving nothing recognizable in its wake. Only memories of what was. As sweet, gentle, spiritually and aesthetically uplifting as it is,  cherryblossoms,bless them, don't stand a chance.
Now I do believe in love, love for family, friends, lovers but its at a risk... the risk of loss. The more people you love and the greater the intensity of the love, the greater the chances of loss, devastation and in some cases- annihilation- if one values one self based on that physical manifestation.
I'm not pessimistic and I'm certainly not going to hide from the inevitable - love always translates to loss on some level... I guess its knowing that and choosing to love as deeply and meaningfully as you can so that when the physical manifestation no longer lingers in this earthly sphere,the elevating  legacy  of love would lasts beyond death,beyond loss. For if love should be anything, it should should be elevating and the nobility, the transformative power of that love and integrity of that love cannot- or more accurately- should not be lost.
I chose to qualify that last statement  because I used to believe that it, (love, and what it leaves behind)  could not be lost, but  I've recently realised that sometimes those that survive the loss have to go beyond themselves to ensure that its not lost... for the honour of legacy and the gift to posterity. We have to remember those who were not only for our sakes but for those younger ones to whom we have the honour of passing along in the oral traditions- the lessons- that can change their lives but also the lives of those yet to come. So to that end, I just may reconsider errecting that barrier and embrace love and all it brings, even if I'm placing my heart on a stake... for I've realised as well that in the face of loss, LOVE and those that embodied Love, was almost always worth the anguish of the loss...

Transcending

Seeing beyond sight…
Hearing beyond ears...
Listening beyond hearing...
Speaking in silence....
Sensing the music…
Feeling beyond touch....
Transcending thought.
Moving in stillness...
'Being' without the compulsive need to do...
Transcending thought.
Being alive while death to self beckons....
Blooming in the presence of decay...
Transcending thought.
Building in the midst of destruction…
Denying fiction and defining reality…
Redefining sanity...
Seeing the light though the utter darkness...
Drinking the tears and bathing in laughter...
Embracing the need to let go...
Laying low to elevate,
Bringing chaos to order...
Choosing to lose in order to win....
Questioning the definitions…
Wondering at the intrusions that mimic instruction...
Redistributing to re-align…
Transcending thought.
Transcending pain.
Transcending content.
Redefining structure...
Not being dictated to...
Refusing the script....
Transcending thought.
Transcending emotion.
Transcending form.
Going beyond...

Serendipity

Got up this morning, not knowing I would be here....