Looking Back...Facing Forward

I feel really blessed... but more than that is the fact that this intangible 'feeling' flows from a profound knowledge that I am indeed blessed in so many ways. I 'feel' so alive and I am happy to be. The sort of happiness one experiences which is born out of hope and expectation that though things are not 'perfect', they indeed are perfect in the here and now. For the perfection of the now with the vision of a continuum is all that there is. I came home tonight after spending a wonderful day, full of one serendipitous moment after another and as I turned off the engine and my headlights and the music ceased, in the quietness and the relative darkness, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I sat there, house keys in hand just repeating the words 'thank You' over and over again. I felt a sense of violent gratitude that had to erupt... it was not calm and peaceful... it was an avalanche... 'Thank You! thank You!, THANK YOU! Rolling over and overtaking each other "THANK YOU".

Thank you for this life which is so different from the one I had last year, and the year before that and the year before that... Despair, fed by the darkness of what appeared to be an impenetrable and ever present storm cloud now seems so far removed from my current reality... not much has changed in the material, tangible sphere... but on the mental and 'spiritual', its subtle yet palpable, for once again, I see beyond, I hope, I expect... I seek, I am open to receive. And I laugh with and at life, I really laugh, for when I consider that 'all is mud' and shall return to mud, really, what on the face of the Creator's green earth, pray tell, can there be to be so serious about? Time is fleeting. It hastens on like a freight train, oblivious to the fact that we are onboard for the ride. Time has no respect, no partiality for humanity, as with the seasons, like tress we germinate, we bloom, we fade, and we die. I am realising that there is no time in-between to embrace the drama. None. Respect for time, partiality towards purpose is left to us.

So I smile and acknowledge the grace and favour and the unconditional love that lifted me when I had no strength to stand on my own. I think of how grateful I am to be no longer locked in silence and solitude. One of my friends told me today how happy he was to have me back to the 'me' he knew and I could tell he really was... but I do not think his happiness to have me back can match the absolute elation I feel to be on my way back to me... for I am not there yet, but boy oh boy, I am enjoying the journey. A journey with a multitude of pit stops, to refuel and take an inventory of what is needed to get ready to continue on the road less travelled... a journey which I am no longer contemplating but one which I have embarked upon, for as surely as time is not my own, in that I don't have a monopoly on even that which was granted to me as a gift by the hand of Divinity.... I have said to myself "if not 2010, when?". So I am seizing the day and living like it matters, simply because it does. Loads of ideas and inspiration regarding how to do it... thoughts still taking shape, being moulded to accommodate a new vision of shifting and fluid, predictably unpredictable reality... but so excited to embrace and play an active role in shaping said reality. No longer living by default but by design... breathing in the breath of life, I now whisper, with the internal volume on max, "THANK YOU, THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH".

17. 04. 10